Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
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[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me