The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
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For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.