ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
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*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM