If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
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Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives