I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
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Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.