Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.