Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
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Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!