I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
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I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Mornin. * use accordingly
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win