Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
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Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Air conditioning – not a fan
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.