@BadJordon

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

@BadJordon

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

@BadJordon

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

@BadJordon

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

@BadJordon

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

@BadJordon

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

@BadJordon

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

@BadJordon

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

@BadJordon

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.