How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
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Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
He a real one for that
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!