There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
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Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.