Me: Most of all, remember to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
Neighbor: If you don’t stay out of my heating duct I’m calling the cops.
It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn’t go out of business or something.
The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.
My boss: Are you on Twitter?
Me: I’ve never heard of it. Is it a drug? Why would you ask? Am I acting funny? Maybe you’re acting funny.
I wore a suit to Walmart and they made me their king.
Nicki Minaj knows we can see her, right?