Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
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I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.