“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
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Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Help Wanted
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Good boy 😂😂
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?