I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.