@Bandersnaaatch

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

@Bandersnaaatch

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

@Bandersnaaatch

“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.

@Bandersnaaatch

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

@Bandersnaaatch

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

@Bandersnaaatch

Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)

@Bandersnaaatch

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.