My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
You Might Also Like
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer