I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
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A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.