People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
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Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
🏙👨🏼
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Lucky for them, they’re cute
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.