@BarebakAssassin

The best thing about dating someone with a barbed wire tattoo is knowing that you won’t be known as their “worst regret” when you break up.

@BarebakAssassin

After you’re done looking for true love on Twitter, you should go ride a unicorn around Atlantis, then eat some heart-healthy ice cream.

@BarebakAssassin

Most problems can be solved by pouring a concrete slab over the person causing the problems.

@BarebakAssassin

In my 32 years this is what I’ve learned about women:

1.) “No” means no

2.) “Maybe” means no

3.) “Yes” means maybe

@BarebakAssassin

Some people don’t realize how grateful they should be that I’m not allowed to carry a sword in public.