*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
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*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Money is the root of all wealth
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!