I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
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I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Meanwhile in Canada…
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong