[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
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Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no