Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
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Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Fiction has to make sense.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Always the camel, never the toe.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers