I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like some kind of homeless person
I’ll apologize for burning your house down if you apologize for telling me I “overreact.”
Therapist: *pulls up in a brand new Mercedes*
Me: You’re welcome
He told me he was my daddy during sex. Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and asked him to pay off my student loans.
True Story: A guy at the supermarket walked up to me today and asked me if I was on twitter. I said no.
If you’re reading this, I lied.