my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
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I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
just got my engagement photos
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
There is no try. There is only give up.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website