Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
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I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.