@BeardedRambles

[on the phone with escort service]

No, no, no. I JUST want someone to lick the barbecue sauce out of my beard.

Hello? Hello?

@BeardedRambles

There’s either a cat with a lampshade on its head here or I’m really drunk.

@BeardedRambles

Relationship status: Fumbled with a key for 5 mins trying to get it to fit into the lock the right way.

And I kinda moaned when it slid in.

@BeardedRambles

Waiter: Ready to order?
Me: Yes, what goes well with an overbearing sis-in-law with delusions of grandeur?
W: …
M: …
W: …
M: Whiskey.