Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
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Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job