“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
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[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
channeling her this year
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Just this preview of the story is enough
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.