people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
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Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
You learn something every day
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.