English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
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*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.