Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
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doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
If I ignore life will it go away?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora