My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
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If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
calling in to work dehydrated
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.