USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
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How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
looks legit
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.