When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
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Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
The Friday File.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.