Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
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In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Oh my god
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk