Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”