My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
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*picks up phone
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.