me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
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Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Had an epiphany today.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood