[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
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student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.