I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
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me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.