I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
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For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.