[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
You Might Also Like
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.