[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest