Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job