Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot