just left a huge legacy in there
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According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]