@Big_Cat74

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

@Big_Cat74

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

@Big_Cat74

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

@Big_Cat74

Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*

@Big_Cat74

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

@Big_Cat74

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

@Big_Cat74

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

@Big_Cat74

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

@Big_Cat74

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny