Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of Big_Cat74's best tweets

@Big_Cat74 : me: oh, I have a great ide...

wife: no

@Big_Cat74: Who called it "playing footsie" and not "becoming sole mates"?

@Big_Cat74: Her: ;) Is that a potato in your pocke...

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*

@Big_Cat74: [taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

@Big_Cat74: Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

@Big_Cat74: “Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” - People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

@Big_Cat74: Friend: Duuude it's fuckin' Friday ni...

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

@Big_Cat74: Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it's "cool" and "neat but when I do it it's "what's happening to that man's face mommy?" and "why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?"

@Big_Cat74: [things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

@Big_Cat74: the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face