[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
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Trying to keep the riff raff away.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
*frowns in Scottish*
How high do the levels go?
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.