the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
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them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I saw nothing
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”