I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.